Santa Isnt Real?! - Printable Version

[SIZE=5]Hey kid. Listen for a minute. Wanna know a secret? [/SIZE]

SANTA ISNT REAL!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't cry. Santa is real. No, he is. I was just kidding. How else do those presents get under your tree, huh? Most of them say "From: Santa" on them, so don't you think they're from him? Who else would they be from? Santa arrives on your roof in his sleigh, slides down the chimney, leaves you presents, eats the cookies and milk, takes pictures of your mom's boobs while she's asleep, and leaves.
What? No, you misheard me.

[SIZE=5]Sure, your parents and relatives get you presents. But Santa gets you a lot of presents. Do you think your parents really have money for all those presents? How else do those presents get under your tree? Come close, and I'll tell you . . . [/SIZE]

YOUR PARENTS PUT THEM THERE, YOU DOPE! IT'S A RUSE!

Hey, I'm kidding! Don't get upset! You know me, I'm the kidder! I'm the funny one! Yeah, I know. That wasn't very funny. But trust me, Santa is very real. Even though you don't hear him or see him when he arrives, he visits you every year, and the proof is found under your tree. He makes a stop at your house when he knows you're asleep, marvels at your tree, fills your stockings, sneaks his hand under your sister's covers to squeeze her bare ass, and leaves you gifts for being a good boy.

Huh? Never mind that. Let's focus on Santa.
[SIZE=5]You want more proof? Your parents leave out cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, and when you wake up in the morning, they're gone. All that's left is a few crumbs and an empty glass. You know that feeling you have, with the butterflies and excitement rolling around in your stomach? Don't you think that's because you're looking at something Santa touched only a few hours before? [/SIZE]

[B]IT'S NOT! IT'S THE FEELING OF YOU BEING A DUMBASS, BECAUSE YOUR DAD EATS THE COOKIES WHILE LAUGHING AT YOUR IGNORANCE, YOU GULLIBLE BASTARD! IF SANTA WERE REAL, THE MILK WOULD BE PISS WARM BY THE TIME HE GOT THERE, SO HE WOULDN'T WANT TO DRINK THAT CRAP ANYWAY! SANTA'S FAKE, AND YOU SUCK![/B]

Please don't leave! Come back! I was playing games with you again. I thought you were on to my tricks, and would laugh this time. I'm sorry. C'mon, sit here on my knee. Trust me, Santa is real. I even met him once. No, really! I can't tell you how, but I know Santa personally. And that's how I know he tiptoes through your house, lights up the tree for Christmas morning, makes sure your house is warm and safe, rubs your dad's weiner, and leaves as quietly as he arrived.
Shhh. He doesn't know, so don't worry.

[SIZE=5]Hey, the North Pole is pretty deserted, isn't it? That's why nobody's ever been to Santa's house. Just think of all the area there is to cover. People could search for decades and never find his Santa hideout. He travels faster than the speed of light to reach your house, using magic! Magic is also the reason why no one in your house is disturbed by him landing on the roof, unloading the presents, tucking everyone into bed, pulling down his pants and sitting his crack on your face, and lifting off from your roof again. And you know how you don't see very many midgets in the world? that's because most of them are in the North Pole working for Santa. Makes sense, doesn't it? [/SIZE]

[B]GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS! WHY WOULD SANTA EMPLOY MIDGETS?!? THEY'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT ANYTHING OR REAH ANYTHING! IT'S STUPID, JUST LIKE YOU! YOU'RE STUPID!! SANTA'S FAKE!! YOUR AN ASSHAT, AND SANTA'S A LOAD OF CRAAAAAP!![/B]

[SIZE=5]No, I'm not kidding. Santa is fake. No, no joke. Yeah, I know I said I was joking all those other times, but I wasn't. Santa's fake, and you're a moron. You're stupid. Gullible's not written on the ceiling, it's tattooed on your ass, and everyone but you sees it when they take turns bending you over and feeding it to you. So to sum things up: Santa's not real, your parents are liars, and they lie to you because they hate you. [/SIZE]

Merry Christmas 2006!