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+--- Thread: A Mans Veiw (/thread-37292.html)
A Mans Veiw - Pamela - 01-21-2007
MAN'S STORY
Old but funny
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
Dear Diary:
For my fifty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my High School football team 38
yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try. Called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed,
but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something
of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave
me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my
pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing
next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair & bsp;
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent
Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not
show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over.
I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch);
will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
(I thought this was funny)
A Mans Veiw - Stealth - 01-28-2007
lol i got a chuckle out of this, i dont see why any1 else hasnt replied
A Mans Veiw - Ares - 01-28-2007
Lol
Start: My wife the dear
End: My wife the bitch
Lol
A Mans Veiw - dim_sum - 01-28-2007
Ahaha, don't you just love that about old people. Where did you find this?
A Mans Veiw - Pamela - 01-29-2007
dim_sum Wrote:Ahaha, don't you just love that about old people. Where did you find this?
Actually my 70 year old Mom sent it in an e-mail! Between she and my sister-in-law...I never go a *joke free* day!rolleyes: