my story of war

**UltimateHacker$** · 05-16-2006, 01:57 PM

Ok, I'm going to post a biograph about a person i made who is in war. and you rate it 1-10
Heres what I have so far:

1/24/2002 - Field:
I'm in the field, talking to my girlfriend, she says, "I want this day to never go away. I want you to be with me. I'll never leave you."... We arrive home. about 3 weeks pass. (The door slams open as I sit on the bench) "TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DO ME!! PLEASE! TELL ME!", she says, "what? what?" I reply, she slaps me, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!", she says sobbing. I sigh, "OF ALL PEOPLE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE ONLY ONE TO UNDERSTAND!!! I DID IT FOR US! I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP YOU, AND ME!"... About 2 weeks later, I arrive at camp. The hair cutter shaves my hair. I look back, and I see 5 busses, and a line of people.

2/29/2002 - Battle Field - Iraq:
I put on my battle suit. Gernads, Auto-Matic Rifle, Smoke bombs, a helmet, and some other stuff. I arrive at the battle field, coming down the rope I slip but catch it just in time. I go, following the tank, 4 people on the right and 4 people on the left. I hear a loud sound. I'm soon blown in the air. Afrade, scared, and confused. I get up, "GO GO GO!" a demolitions man says. I hurry back, an RPG hits my best friend. I cover behing a brick pillar. I look around it, awaiting for what happens next. I turn back. I hope that I get home alive. -to be continued.

**Intoxicator** · 05-16-2006, 02:19 PM

you got the first part from the music video by green day: "Wake me Up When September Ends"

and the second part, the iraqi story, is the same as the end of the video in mostly all areas but you added a few different things in there.

**Siris** · 05-16-2006, 02:53 PM

Sorry dude, but I don't like it at all. For one thing you jump too much. "and then two weeks later, and then 3 weeks later, and then...." And second, you are not descriptive at all. You need to pay attention to the word around. "I hear a loud noise" Well what kind of noise? An explosion? A car crash? A gun? It could be anything. "...and other stuff" Never say stuff when describing something in a story. Now I'm somewhat a writer from time to time myself so I have a pretty good idea what I'm talking about.

Note: If you are going to come back and criticize me about some of the errors in my posts you may have seen, keep in mind two things. First I'm not really a typer and secound the keyboard i am using is extremely old and was been spilt on many times. Sometimes keys don't type when pressed and sometimes extra letters are added. Also you asked opinions and i gave mine, no reason to complain when you received what you asked for.

Edit: I gave you a three. At least you tried and presented it.

**Bloodangel26** · 05-16-2006, 03:30 PM

the font kind of hurts my eyes....maybe cause its 130am and i havent got much sleep the last couple days...if you continue this, please use a font thats easier on the eyes

**Z3R0** · 05-16-2006, 10:56 PM

The one thing I have learned about writing in my life is that if you are going to write about something, it is best to have a certain amount of experiance. If you read a book on sailing and then wrote a report on sailing and then gave it to someone whom sails often, then they would be able to tell that you had never been sailing due to your lack of experiance in the subject. This is most likley true with war as well, you look at it a differant way if you actually experiance it.

**UltimateHacker$** · 05-17-2006, 01:17 AM

:\ ok, ill take ur advice, go make about 900 stories, and read about 900 books about war, and then continue on, but yes i did get it from a music clip. I couldn't find a good way to start it off :\ thats it, threads close until farther of my posting, you can post but i don't want to.

**Z3R0** · 05-17-2006, 04:12 AM

did you know you could get warned for Impersonating a Moderator by trying to close a thread. I mean I got warned for trying to get someone to stop spamming in my thread. Why?!?!?!?...meh.

**Acid Burn** · 05-17-2006, 04:26 AM

Originally Posted by UltimateHacker$

Ok, I'm going to post a biograph about a person i made who is in war. and you rate it 1-10
Heres what I have so far:

1/24/2002 - Field:
I'm in the field, talking to my girlfriend, she says, "I want this day to never go away. I want you to be with me. I'll never leave you."... We arrive home. about 3 weeks pass. (The door slams open as I sit on the bench) "TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DO ME!! PLEASE! TELL ME!", she says, "what? what?" I reply, she slaps me, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!", she says sobbing. I sigh, "OF ALL PEOPLE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE ONLY ONE TO UNDERSTAND!!! I DID IT FOR US! I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP YOU, AND ME!"... About 2 weeks later, I arrive at camp. The hair cutter shaves my hair. I look back, and I see 5 busses, and a line of people.

2/29/2002 - Battle Field - Iraq:
I put on my battle suit. Gernads, Auto-Matic Rifle, Smoke bombs, a helmet, and some other stuff. I arrive at the battle field, coming down the rope I slip but catch it just in time. I go, following the tank, 4 people on the right and 4 people on the left. I hear a loud sound. I'm soon blown in the air. Afrade, scared, and confused. I get up, "GO GO GO!" a demolitions man says. I hurry back, an RPG hits my best friend. I cover behing a brick pillar. I look around it, awaiting for what happens next. I turn back. I hope that I get home alive. -to be continued.

Sounds like you know what you are talking about...not.