My Story for EC in Eniglish

**1337-Orange** · 05-26-2006, 05:09 PM

I just made this story for English class for some extra credits. Its late so it might not be very good and i would like to here what you think lol. It is about an ant making a big travel at my school and the passing bells rings and such.

The Great Travel

"Gramps can you tell me a story?" asked Bobby the baby ant.

"Yes but let me refresh my memory," said Gramps.

"What is this story going to be about?"

"A long adventure I took a very long time ago," replied Gramps, "I was just a young

ant just leaving your great grandmothers. It all started when I decided to leave my

mothers den. I was young, fit, and full of life and ready to see the world and have

adventures."

"Are we going into a flashback?" asked Bobby.

"Yes here we go."

As I climbed out of the hole there was a blinding light showing down from the heavens.

I shielded my eyes just enough so I can see where I was going. There was a forest of

tall green plants and I knew that just beyond it is an adventure waiting to be taken. I

fought my way through the fighting forest. It was as if it didn’t want me to get through

it. I saw a rock in the distance and decided to see what was on top and what was

around me. I got to the rock out of breath and peered in the distance. There were

giant boxes and more forest everywhere. There was also long patches of what

seemed to be desert filled with black marks and dents everywhere.

Then an extremely loud sound came into the air: "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP," it went. All of

the sudden giant creatures started piling out of these boxes very quickly. There must

have been a thousand of them all making loud noises I could not understand. They

disappeared within 10 minutes. There were still some wondering around. They must

have been scouts for there colony. I climbed down the rock and proceeded my way

through the forest and came to one of these deserts. I rested before I went across it

incase there was no food or water and the giants came back. I made my way across

the barren desserts to find a giant canyon I had to overcome. It stretched far in the

horizon and there was no way to go around it. I sat there trying to figure out how I am

going to get over it. "BEEEEEEEEEEEEP," it had happened again. The monsters

swarmed out of there hives like bees in a frenzy. I jumped and dodges to avoid there

crushing blows if their feet. But, when I thought I was alright, it happened in a flash. A

giant shadow appeared under me and I looked up to see a giant’s foot coming down

into me. Luckily, I landed in a ridge in it and it carried me over the giant canyon. I

came down with a crash and ran to safety. It was not over here. A giant spider came

out from the forest and grabbed me and...

"I think it is time to stop here," said Gramps.

"Nooo please don’t stop its just getting exiting!" exclaimed Bobby.

"Im old, I need my rest maybe we will finish this another time. Now go to sleep," I

finished and my word was final.

**Seekndestroyer** · 05-27-2006, 12:52 AM

What grade are you in????
I guess I'll give you suggestions anyways, ok first that was a really short story i needs to be much longer. Start by adding details as too what you fought in the "fighting" forest, then the story is really choppy. Its good in context but boring when you read it. When he's going to the rock, add some detail about what he did on the way there. Little details like that help a story a lot, and it'll get you a better grade.

**tigeroip** · 05-27-2006, 01:13 AM

idk i am not a fan of storys and books but i found it little boring lol

**1337-Orange** · 05-27-2006, 08:23 AM

Ha yeah it sucked.... im in 10th grade also lol it was for extra credit and needed to be 1-2 pages long. It was also 12 in the morning so i didnt bother adding detail

**tigeroip** · 05-27-2006, 08:32 AM

well in that case its good enough cuz im in grade 10 lol and i hate english just a waste of time

**1337-Orange** · 05-27-2006, 10:08 AM

yeah i have a 57% and he says that this can vring it up 3% so w/e

**Bartender** · 05-27-2006, 02:32 PM

Who is this I you speak of? Bobby? Or someone else.

**1337-Orange** · 05-27-2006, 04:28 PM

Bobby is a baby ant...

**jedimaster86** · 05-28-2006, 04:57 AM

The "I" that he is reffering to refers to the Grandpa going into a flashback and placing himself into the first-person, hence the reason he stops at the end and Bobby pleads for more.

I guess it's just kinda confusing that the beginning of the story starts with Gramps, but it ends with "I". Also in the actual flashback there seems to be a horde of "I" being used.

**hellsing293** · 05-28-2006, 09:35 AM

personification, adjectives idk might make it more interesting. also, if you go into a flashback then its actually happening at that second he's not telling it so it shouldn't be in first person IMO. one more question, how did you think of that for your story? was it a prompt given to you or did pick to do it?