Narrative I wrote

[hellsing293]

This is a narrative that I had to write for my English class. The story is supposed to be a first person account of a scene that evokes a singular emotion in the reader. This event is fictional, but open for interpretation. The answer to what it depicts is up to the readers to determine for themselves as there's no one answer. Anyways, tell me what you think:

As I descend down the dirty, green carpeted stairs, a dim yellow light cast from a lone light bulb overhead manifests a moving shadow that accompanies my otherwise solitary journey. I halt when I reach a tall, vacant, white door; funny how I just now perceive the door to be an infinite void of emptiness even though I have known it for years. Reaching for the doorknob, an unfamiliar coldness greets my bare hand and an icy shiver runs down my spine that seemingly extinguishes what warmth I had left. The ominous door trudges open with a long, drawn out breath—presumably unwilling to continue its meager existence.

Entering the overly illuminated room, I am welcomed by an otherworldly tide of despair. Mountains of luscious food occupy all of the available tables and counters, yet the hungry faces surrounding the succulent aromas appear fit to feast on the atmosphere’s dense sorrow. The strong, tough, rugged men that I once idealized as a boy were now reduced to shells of their former selves—faces buried in hands while uncontrollably weeping.

At my sight, oddly friendly, tear-soaked faces, apparently fooling themselves more than me, force halfhearted smiles. Deliberately, I swiftly sidestep these unwanted, possible interactions and continue to weave through the unending array of human statues. Careful not to make eye contact with one of these emotional vacuums, I solemnly make my way to the corner of the room and seat myself in a large, dark wooden chair. The stiffness of the chair creates an uneasy feeling in my neck and I turn to blankly peer out the grayed window. Outside, defeated raindrops fall through the sky and silently cease to be without anyone to mourn their untimely demise.

On the far end of the room, indiscriminate outlines of adult figures huddle around a television as if the television was a singular island of sense and reason in this turbulent, surrounding sea of confusion. Abandoning my previously introverted attitude, I curiously saunter over to the television hoping to also find some precious stability among such chaos. A peculiar stillness befalls the group when the monotone droning of a female newscaster commandingly directs everyone’s attention to a dreamlike scene. Flashes of disbelief consume the earlier indifferent expressions. Uncomprehendingly watching the clip for the fifth time, these people still resist its undeniable truth and seek to prolong their, now lifeless, ignorant bliss. Although nobody else seems ready to accept the truth, I know. Realizing that what was happening today was genuine, I understand that nothing will ever be the same again.

[10 man]

The story was interesting. Is this college level? I find it to be a bit wordy. It seems to be almost over descriptive. I'm under the assumption that you have a word limit on this narrative essay. The over abundance of adjectives and adverbs tends to make the essay difficult to read from my perspective. It seems to lack proper flow for an enjoyable read.

I do on the other hand find it to be quite creative and once I got past the heavy wordage, I liked it. My curiosity has been stirred as to what letter grade you received on this narrative. All in all, great job.

Oh yeah. I don't like your use of em dashes. I find them unwarranted. As a reader I feel that a comma would have done the trick just fine.

Sorry about being nit picky. Just an opinion.

Again, good job.

[blueflame246]

nice story but seems wordy.... i like the idea in the last paragraph... yea nothing will last here except changes ..nice

[hellsing293]

The story was interesting. Is this college level? I find it to be a bit wordy. It seems to be almost over descriptive. I'm under the assumption that you have a word limit on this narrative essay. The over abundance of adjectives and adverbs tends to make the essay difficult to read from my perspective. It seems to lack proper flow for an enjoyable read.

I'm a high school sophmore and no, there is no word limit for the story. The wordiness stems for the fact that it was supposed to exemplify sensory detail in order to evoke a singular emotion. In other words, every word in the story works in creating a common goal.

I do on the other hand find it to be quite creative and once I got past the heavy wordage, I liked it. My curiosity has been stirred as to what letter grade you received on this narrative. All in all, great job.

My teacher said that my story was flat-out the best sensory detail story in the class but I received an A- because I didn't exactly follow the directions on the prompt.

Oh yeah. I don't like your use of em dashes. I find them unwarranted. As a reader I feel that a comma would have done the trick just fine.

I actually thought this also but when I looked it up I found that commas were grammatically incorrect. A comma can be used when separating clauses. Commas are also appropriate to put around a group of words that, if removed, would still allow the sentence to flow normally. Dashes, on the other hand, are an extension of what the author is talking about. The dashes are put where they are because they further elaborate on the chosen subject.

Anyways, thank you for reading my story

[10 man]

You should post more of them.

[Zerobanshee]

^ definite. i like you'r writing style, and it flows smoothly for me when i read it.

[hellsing293]

lol I'll post them as I write them. I don't usually write on my own time. The only really write when I have to in class. Maybe in the summer if I'm bored I'd write, but otherwise I'm generally too busy/don't enjoy writing enough to spend hours producing three pages of text.

Anyways, thank you very much guys. Happy you like it

[Xerdge]

I liked it! And for being a sophmore, (i am too) thats F**in amazing man. And truely when I saw the dash I dont know what it did but I liked it. No clue what it did though, I actually stopped reading and said.. "I like it!" no lie, but lol anyway. Yeah you could of used less "Big" words. Lol They dont hurt, but for people in search of a swift read, I would of spaced them out more. But again awsome!!


-----Xerdge