Woo! more narratives

[hellsing293]

This one is pretty bad since i procrastinated it until the very, VERY last second. Anyways, its supposed to convey a singular emotion. Mine was supposed to be fear, but I don't know how well I actually captured it.

Rob xxxxxxxx

Mrs. xxxxxx

English 11 Honors

17 September 2008

A “Chilling” Experience

An icy chill steadily invaded my body as I warily navigated my
way forward. It was a dismal, dreary day, the sort of wintry day
that even children dreaded. The spiteful wind continually stung
our youthful faces while the bleak sky overhead offered scarcely sufficient light. There were no people accompanying us; there were no fearful animals hiding from us; we were the only visible signs of life amidst this desolate forest. Snow had ruthlessly conquered the area—blanketing out all else that dared otherwise remain. The sun had reached a point in the sky where, although the sun still volunteered light, it had decided to reclaim its warmth.

Slowly, I crept alongside my fellow adventure seekers as the murky, grey ice began to moan underneath our painful footsteps. Utterly numb, my feet glided uncontrollably across the insecure footing beneath me. Gradually, we had wandered farther and farther away from safety. Fear, cold, or perhaps both, created a slight trembling in my raw, pinkish hands. An intense longing to turn around manifested within me, however, my boyhood adventurism knew that I could not retreat this far into the journey. A mutual disquietude developed as our strides became shorter, lighter, and more hesitant.

The timid ice below shrieked in agony as we proceeded while the wind’s chilling onslaught vehemently howled from above. Snow covered pines restlessly heaved snow from their branches, eager to be free from the wet snow’s restraining weight. A sinking feeling developed deep within my heart; I knew that the terrain was becoming more and more dangerous. The hard, solid ice became indiscriminately, but detectably, softer. As my wet, dilapidated shoes contracted the ice, I could sense the ice beginning to yield.

Unexpectedly, I plunged directly downward into the bitter depths. A deathlike chill pulsed through my veins and an otherworldly, vile tasting substance poured into my body. Irrepressible convulsions rendered my feeble attempts to pull myself out of the malign water hopeless. An obscure blackness surrounded me, making me unaware to my exact depth. Helplessly, I flailed my arms in the water searching aimlessly for any aid.

Then, I felt an indiscernible object grab hold of my numb arm and abruptly hoist my limp body out of the water. Oxygen swelled in my lungs, expelling the atrocious, blackened water. The dry, crisp-smelling air stabbed my saturated exterior. Carrying myself back to land, safe, dry, warm land, was difficult; my legs were weak and unwieldy. We fear-stricken, boyhood adventurers made it back home in record time that day.

[Pamela]

The fear was adequately conveyed hun.My only suggestion would be to use less double desriptions. I chuckled at "timid ice shreiked" I knew what you meant however.Using too many words descriptively slows the pace of the read,bogging down the reader.


A good writer uses one or 2 words to trasnfer a thought,and doesn't waste the pace of reading by using 5.On the whole it was interesting and intelligent.Good job.

[Nethran]

Your writing is pretty decent. One thing you should fix, though, so that it sounds less formulaic and repetative when reading:

Slowly, I crept
Utterly numb, my feet glided
Gradually, we had wandered
Unexpectedly, I plunged
Helplessly, I flailed

Some other maybe helpful advices:
Paragraph 3 was the strongest, I think. It had the best flow.
Though I realize the intention of the writing was to capture the fearful emotion in a short experience, you may have been a little overly descriptive at some times. The same was said of Robert Jordan in the middle books of the Wheel of Time, and a lot of people stopped reading them because of it, unfortunately.
You have yet to master the art of hyphen-using(as punctuation, not like I just did).


Easily fixed things, though. You've a larger written vocabulary than I did in 11th grade, and a good solid base upon which to build your writing skill. Just don't quit... Even out of school find things to write about. Make up stories. It's an easy thing to get good at if you alread have some talent, and it's more useful than it seems like most people know.

[hellsing293]

Yes, I need to master my grammar for sure.

I'm more of a math-science man, so I approach writing in more of a systematic/formulaic way. Edgar Allen Poe did the following to, so it can't really be condemned as the wrong approach. Like all other arts, results sometimes don't depend on/defy the methods.

Also, my attempt was to try and make the setting come alive in order to enhance the fear of emotion but I guess it didn't really work.

Oh, and the paper received an A(95).

[Nethran]

Nice. :) I wasn't saying it was bad.. and sorry if I came off as overly critical. xD

[hellsing293]

No No, I never thought that. I like the criticism by others, it's best to improve by looking at your writing through somebody else's perspective. I just said it got an A in case anybody was wondering.

[Pamela]

I was wondering.You did a very good job really,and even the best can be improved.