The story im writing. Part 2

[wazzacky]

This isint a literal part two. But i took Neth's words into account and attemtped to formulate an idea for one of the climaxes' near the end. Here it is. Tell me what you think? Is the dialogue too dramatic. I don't think i have the same feeling for dialogue as i did with my first go.


“STOP!” Tag screamed back as they were running down the corridor. The noises raging all around were almost deafening. Ep, Star, Captain Adryga, and Po halted in confusion; Po bumped into Adyrga.
Ep looked at Tag and had a feeling of what he was going to say. He feared it. I have to stop this some how.

‘They’re coming…prepare your self’
A droning sound of a nearby thruster became more and more apparent. The sound was very loud than suddenly became silent. Moments later the familiar sound of a ship docking occurred. They all knew who it was. ____ was coming. The loading bay was about 100m ahead of them. Captain Adryha signalled for everyone to regroup in the mess-hall adjacent to them. They quietly walked and waited. Rails in hand.

Ep gestured Star to follow him. ‘Stay here OK? I don’t want you to get hurt.’

‘I can take care of myself jackass, you know that’ Star explained.
‘Star…please. Just please listen and stay’
‘What’s the matter Ep, why are yo--”
“Star! Just please stay here and hide,’ Ep shouted, he had a few tears in his eyes. Star didn’t need to argue back, she didn’t know what her fate was but she well enough knew that this was important. She hid behind a small wall that jutted out from the main room, it was where the cleaning supplies and sink where kept, it was out of sight for prosthetics.

The room was stagnant. Silence was loud. Fear and adrenaline immense. They all held their guns to their chests and watched the entrance gate. They all just kept on staring. Not blinking. Staring.
Sweat began to drip of Tag’s face. He looked at the anguished Ep and that horrible heavy feeling sank deep in his stomach. Star’s life, he hoped, wasn’t doomed. Desperatly trying to find a strange way out of his incredible power he began to burrow through his mind and look for answers through his dynamic brain. Logic told him Star had less of a chance dieing than him and the other three did. His sense told him death was imminant. But suddenly a new emotion, or feeling, or supernatural phenomenon came to his head. Maybe it was his conscience he thought. A voice in his head, the sound of a familiar voice he hadn’t heard since he was young. A womens voice. “You were always unique. Life isn’t just a ball thrown at a certain speed in a certain direction. Think of wind. You are the wind”

Footsteps became audible. They’re coming. Everyone tensed their grips but Tag looked at Ep. He looked back and Tag smiled at him. Everything will be ok, Star won’t get hurt. I’ll make sure of it.

BTW: The blank line for the one of the antagonists is unknown. I haven't thought of it yet.

[Nethran]

Looks good. :) I'm glad you took my advice, I don't think that happens often. My wife usually does her own thing anyway, and then says she should have taken my advice afterwards... But that's marriage, I guess. Anywho, I like your writing. It's good. :) Hyphens though; they could be your friend.

Just this part:

She hid behind a small wall that jutted out from the main room. It was where the cleaning supplies and sink were kept- it was out of sight for prosthetics.

If I was your editor, that's what I would do.

[wazzacky]

thanks neth, i've actually never understood how to use the hyphen properly. I just got around with the semicolon in my essays. I'll change it on my good copy

[Nethran]

Yeah, the semicolon and hyphen seem pretty close in the ways that you use them. Pretty much if you have that pause and it doesn't seem like a semicolon is 100% the best way to go, nor is a colon or a comma, throw in a hyphen and you'll be ok. It also works great for including similar but seperate thoughts into a sentence. Blah blah blah- this too- blah blah blah. That kinda thing.