Awesome Quotes

[Blue]

These are some quotes I found, they could be true or they could be made up, either way, they're funny.

Honorary quote.

<_kr4m3r> so many ****ing criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile ([email protected]) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick ****ers)
<anamexis> :<

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances -<
* nmp3bot dances |-<
* nmp3bot dances /-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK ****
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother ****er

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

*** Now talking in #christian
-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info
<Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21
<Word_of_God> Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. - (KJV)
*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au
*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)
<Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...

<NES> lol
<NES> I download something from Napster
<NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
<NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
<NES> "getting my song back ****er"

<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a ****en impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can ****?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller..

<JonTG> Man, my ***** is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
<peng> ...
<peng> what?
<VolteFace`> oh shit
<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you DROP shit

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

<@David> Yay I get laid today! Been a month.... needing it by now
<@Sony> ...........
<@Sony> TMI TMI TMI
<@David> Only a few hundred pounds but its better than nothing
<Malpine> Thanks for the info
<@David> eh?
<@David> damn i meant PAID
<@David> I get PAID today
<@David> dammit

<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible *****.

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to *****.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough.

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

<Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado

< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.

<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P

<frank> can you help me install GTA3?
<knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
<knightmare> ...

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor
<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

<BigBurk> God i really cant stand windows me
<Felacio> heh i know. i moved to win2k
* Felacio sucks huge cock
<Felacio> errr ME, not /me

* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend?

<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<kylev> hahahahaha
<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor
<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about
<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha

<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense

<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...

The bold one was my favorite.

Got them from bash.org. I posted the funniest/shortest ones.

[Fuggle]

Top 200 of bash are always good.

[wazzacky]

ahaha thats actually awesome

[SpoonMan999]

Bash.org ftw.

[Siris]

Hahaha I like this one:

<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

and this one:

<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

[Skye]

Bahahahhaa nice find!

[Pamela]

<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense


LMAO my favorite!

Wait wait I found this one...

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

[Blue]

Found this while doing random.

* Zed used to teach idiots how to 'hack' in Diablo.
<Zed> I mean, I'd give them an axe, then lead them to the dungeon.
<Zed> Tell them to hit a skeleton.
<Zed> They didn't appreciate that :p

[Pamela]

LMAO...ouch! That had to be bad!Post more!

[Skye]

I lvoe your sig Blue. It took me three attempts to get it, but I got there in the end.

[Blue]

<boozie> AnIonU: if i washed my **** would you suck it?
<AnIonU> bbozie: if you washed your **** you would realize that it was only dirt...no ****

<dEaD_fAiRy> plus the guy has to look a certian way to turn me on
<Mousey> does he have to look desperate

<Lord-Data> even tho im a fat guy, i dont want a fat chick .. been there .. done that .. and no offence to her coz shes a great person .. but .. id rather not again
<OutLore> hehe
<OutLore> agreed
<bytraper> hahahaha
<bytraper> like rocking a car on the edge of a cliff
<OutLore> 3 votes, the motion is hereby passed

<Ryan> my mom was killed by mobile phones
<mal> she has only herself to blame
<Ryan> no really, she was using it in a storm
<mal> and?
<Ryan> lightening
<mal> then what?
<Ryan> mobile phone truck ran her over

<avalon> can I touch you now?
<Nala> I still don't know you
-!- avalon is now known as dad
<dad> how about now?

<Dracon> weird.. seems like no matter what i do, cpu usage never shows 0.0%.

corner (19:08:21): how tall is a standard guillotine?
Andrick (19:08:33): This still concerns you?
corner (19:08:39): yeah, I really want to build one
corner (19:08:47): I have short ceilings
corner (19:08:51): I wanna make sure I can keep it in my apt
Andrick (19:09:00): I have to admit that I never have committed that number to memory.
Andrick (19:09:06): But I can tell you they are *tall*.
corner (19:09:15): maybe I can make a kid's version?
Andrick (19:09:30): That is probably a wonderfully poor choice of words.

<Bank6000> What is the best way to approach a person who you are attracted to at a book store, library, animal shelter or football game shown on TV at a bar?
<CrustyNutz> You can do it put your ass into it!
<TheBrat> uummm personally just don't say some cheesy pick up line..
<xTrinity Luvx> yeah just be yourself
<speedracer> Kick her in the shin.
<speedracer> She'll remember you next time.
<Evil_Couch> zap her with a ****ing tazer and then drag her back to your place
<Evil_Couch> by the time she wakes up, she'll be chained to your bed and she'll HAVE to love you or you'll cut her food ration in half.

(Regarding a Diablo II game and password)
SchroeDotOrg: naked/asusual
J Jorenko: *joins you*

<dorkmo> Hey what do you do when a cop asks you too walk on the line?
<Technofrek> uh,.... ask which one?

<+DoomSooth> I went to Providence Middle School in Virginia.
<+DoomSooth> The cheerleaders had PMS in big letters on their uniforms.

[brianh] smaller boobs are cool
(Akira1) hmm
[brianh] like the kind that 8 year old girls have
[brianh] 18
[brianh] I ****ing meant 18
(Akira1) hahaha

<NESS> sup
<blanco> how about you greet me like a white man?
<NESS> sorry
<NESS> HEIL DEUTCHLAND

(lucky I put this next one in)
<rizerz> A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
<rizerz> can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
<rizerz> looking for work in six weeks.'
<rizerz> A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
<rizerz> person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
<rizerz> A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
<rizerz> can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
<rizerz> them both looking for work in two weeks.'
<rizerz> A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We
<rizerz> took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and
<rizerz> now half the country is looking for work.

<w3nis> people with down syndrome are all "Hey check us out we have an extra chromosome, weeee, wipe our ass"

*** mrBlond changes topic to "Open party at Minko's, All welcome. Place for 500"
<Minko> grrrr
<Minko> You can all come, but I'm not gonna be there
*** mrBlond changes topic to "Open party at Minko's <Minko> You can all come"
<Minko> Stop it guys, I'm busy this weekend
<Minko> I've got big things planned
*** mrBlond changes topic to "Open party at Minko's <Minko> You can all come <Minko> I've got big things planned"
<Minko> Aaargh

<Measure> haha reading about this japanese video
<Measure> girl has to survive on a few eggs and semen for a week.
<Measure> can't eat anything else
<Ravenlily> ew
<Ravenlily> i hate eggs

<patches> I like pussy better than drugs
<patches> I've never heard of an OD off pussy
<octane--> its called A CHILD

<Jim`> Casey loves me, tel.
<Jim`> We're best friends.
<SarahS> Jim is afraid of Casey though.
<Jim`> I WAS because he's SHARP and LOUD, but I'm fine now.
<telarium> Do you help him **********?
<Jim`> I played with him and stuff.
<Psitron> ...
<Jim`> Er...
<acdcfanbill> ~_^
<Jim`> Bad timing.

<@jeric> If i cloned myself, changed the y chromosome to an x chromosome, and then had sex with her, would it be masturbation, or incest?

<Hybridfusion> i found out last week that if you see a big black man who works for BFI (garbage truck / pickup company)
<Hybridfusion> dont ask him if BFI stands for "big ****ing idiot"
<Volte> did he say "why as a matter of fact it does and id appreciate if you didnt call attention to it thanks"
<Hybridfusion> he threw a metal pipe at me and i ran like a mother****er

deusnoctum> I love online pharmacy spam that offer "discrete shipping." Does that mean they ship every pill individually?

These arnt as funny, but hey, it's more.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here are some better I saw on the top 200.

<Galactic> you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
<Galactic> I mean that is just some ****ED UP SHIT
<Galactic> the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic> I dunno man... if I were him I'd be ****ing KILLING some kids
<Galactic> I remember a commercial where the ****in rabbit WENT INTO A ****IN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN ****IN MONEY.
<Galactic> ****in kids came outta NOWHERE and basically ****in mug the poor stupid ***** rabbit
<Galactic> "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic> ****in rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic> **** NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic> I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those ****in *****es
<Galactic> and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them *****es and THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic> and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a ****in kid?
<Galactic> I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot ****in RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
<Galactic> "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic> NO.
<Galactic> I'd be thinking
<Galactic> "that's a 6 foot ****in RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the **** was I just smoking?"
<Galactic> another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic> last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic> they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a ****in grapefruit... who the **** eats a breakfast that big
<Flaming_Duck> not me
<Flaming Duck> I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
<Flaming_Duck> I mean, I eat when I get up
<Flaming_Duck> but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
<FLaming_Suck> *****, you make my ****ing sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the ****ing money
<Flaming_Duck> don't give me that shit.
<Galactic> Back to stupid cereal mascots...
<Galactic> Lucky Charms.
<Galactic> ****ING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic> Lucky can turn the ****ing MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of ****ing 6 year olds?!?!?
<Galactic> C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic> I KNOW your ***** ass has got to have a "Blow the ****ing kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic> or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those *****es.
<Galactic> "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic> ....
<Galactic> KILL THEM, *****!
<Galactic> I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic> it's just always bothered me."

<Alanna> Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders

[Fuggle]

Caps lock is cruise control for cool


<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> **** me

<h|tler> HOW THE **** CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[Pamela]

Lmao...I,,,just..can.............