my story of war

[Siris]

Sorry dude, but I don't like it at all. For one thing you jump too much. "and then two weeks later, and then 3 weeks later, and then...." And second, you are not descriptive at all. You need to pay attention to the word around. "I hear a loud noise" Well what kind of noise? An explosion? A car crash? A gun? It could be anything. "...and other stuff" Never say stuff when describing something in a story. Now I'm somewhat a writer from time to time myself so I have a pretty good idea what I'm talking about.

Note: If you are going to come back and criticize me about some of the errors in my posts you may have seen, keep in mind two things. First I'm not really a typer and secound the keyboard i am using is extremely old and was been spilt on many times. Sometimes keys don't type when pressed and sometimes extra letters are added. Also you asked opinions and i gave mine, no reason to complain when you received what you asked for.

Edit: I gave you a three. At least you tried and presented it.