Hmm, wonder if this will get read...

[Pamela]

"He's been waking up with his rod in his hands." Didn't read after this. Laughed very hard.

LOL I thought it was going to be an admonition type story on the sins and evil of ************. I really did,but laughed pretty good at it.

As far as the storyline,your flow of thoughts needs a bit of work.You want to bring the reader along,keep them interested in what is happening,as well as what WILL happen.
Not give up in frustration due to the stilted flow of the story.

Your descriptiveness was excellent,yet had little to do with where you were taking the reader.All in all not a bad job.Next time concentrate a bit more on making it better to understand,or you are likely to lose the interest of the reader after the first few sentences.