12-21-2006, 04:32 AM
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was
for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list
twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
things like, "What does this do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally,
I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car
pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls
come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the
side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of
the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of
imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I
also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy
but had left the dog confused She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said,
to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small
talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and
began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell
back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her
right thigh
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health!
It was surely a Christmas to remember.
Pamela: I put this here because it is not really a Joke,just a funny forward my Mom forgets that she sends me every year. I still laugh ^^
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.
This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was
for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list
twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
things like, "What does this do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally,
I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car
pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls
come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the
side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of
the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of
imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I
also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy
but had left the dog confused She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said,
to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was
then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small
talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and
began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell
back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her
right thigh
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health!
It was surely a Christmas to remember.
Pamela: I put this here because it is not really a Joke,just a funny forward my Mom forgets that she sends me every year. I still laugh ^^
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
A Light in your Darkness...always there...and burning...
A Light in your Darkness...always there...and burning...
