Texas Humor

[Pamela]

This is humor from where I grew up!...LOL I hope you like it!


CHILI COOK-OFF NOTE.
Please take your time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction to the third is even better.
For those of you who have ever lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast. " Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the
call came. I was assured , by the other two judges (Native Texans), that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could
have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event .

CHILI # 1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE : A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO : Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK : Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried
paint off a driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE : Smokey, with just a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO : Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK : Keep this out of the reach of children, I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste other than pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE : Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO : A bean less chile, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK : Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I"ve
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me More beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back : now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE : Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO : Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish and
other light foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK : I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds ? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. b***h is starting to look HOT,
just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac ?


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE : Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO : Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK : My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off ? It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
Rednecks !

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE : Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO : The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK : My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat thru the
chair.No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my :censored: with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE : A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO : Ho HUM, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried about judge
number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK : You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid,unnoticed, out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing ; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen, anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE : A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO : This final entry, is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili ?





LOL Very true!

[Shadow992588]

ROFLMFAO That is So :censored: halarious I was laughing for like 5 mins, did you come up with that? Spit can you give her some extra points for this amazing work of art?

[Pamela]

Thanks...*hugs* I only copied it from a friend...but it is s true to life!...This is funny also....I know we all need to keep that*healthy* level up!

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND
POINT A
HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT
THAT SUPER
SIZED.

4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN."

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS
GOTTEN OVER
THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL
FAVORS."

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE
PROPHECY."

8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.

11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."

12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.

13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.

14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA &PLAY A TAPE OF
JUNGLE
SOUNDS ALL DAY.

15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR
PARTY
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK
HARD

17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON, I WON! 3RD
TIME
THIS WEEK!!!!!"

18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT,
YELLING
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"

19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE
GOING TO
HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."




:devil: *Normal I am NOT!!*

[Soldier]

lol thats great!

has this forum alwasy been here?

[Pamela]

Why thank you! ...and no...Spitfire just made it..so yall post some silliness!((He lets me!)....MORE TEXAS HUMOR!!

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are
swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all
over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over
the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They
have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven
clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them
aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is
home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems,
let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on." The Devil returned to
the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord
replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The
Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5
minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the
question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The
Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord." This time
the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm
sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These damn Texans done put the fire
out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"




LMAO!!

[Pamela]

Sorry ...I gotta do this!

You know you're 100% Texan if...
It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.

Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."

You can properly pronounce the town Mexia, Waxahachie and Mesquite.

You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.

You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado 3500 Extended Cab is.

You know that everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

You have had this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yep"
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

I am a native Texan...and we are a *different kind of people*...lol as if you couldnt already tell that huh??

[Soldier]

ur a texan? thought u lived in florida

[Pamela]

I was born and raised in Texas...and its always a part of me no matter where else I happen to live! ...We have a saying:

*I am Texas born and Texas bread...and when I die...I'll be Texas dead!*

You can take the girl out of her state....but you cant take the state out of the girl!

[Soldier]

i see, are all texans tht prideful?

[Pamela]

You mean there is another way to be????

[Tichondrius_87]

I was born and raised in Texas...and its always a part of me no matter where else I happen to live! ...We have a saying:

*I am Texas born and Texas bread...and when I die...I'll be Texas dead!*

You can take the girl out of her state....but you cant take the state out of the girl!

i want you to think about this statement LONG and HARD. then rephrase.

consider that i'm a perverted sixteen year old boy.

[Pamela]

STATE...honey...STATE!!!*Thinks she sees where you were going!*

[Nubli]

im lost here, can one of you explain whats so nasty? (im a 15 year old perverted teenager guy and im still lost =D)

[Tichondrius_87]

allow me to define state here.
State is equal to the entire population (male and female) of the state. Ergo (sp?), you can take the girl out of the state, but you can't take the state (the population of rednecks that have been "ridin that pony") out of the girl. it's a sex thing. wake up. chode.

[Pamela]

LMAO....anything taken out of context can be sexual!...Try this...the next time you get a Chinese fortune cookie...at the end...add ~In bed~....makes it funny as hell!
~-^Example: You will draw the admiration of all those around you.....In bed!

[Tichondrius_87]

i actually use 7 3 10 and would use 18 if i visited the zoo. and pamela, i actually got that fortune cookie once. it's true. no one can ignore the squealing of the women folk.

[Nethran]

Oh, like you could pleasure a fat, lonely, h*o*r*n*y assed 40 year old virgin. You will die alone for your incompetence in the bed, my friend..die alone.

[Tichondrius_87]

i don't pleasure fat lonely ***** assed forty year old virgins, i pleasure athletic, popular, ***** assed eighteen year women. and you, but that's a similar enough category. just, drop the popular and eighteen. then that's you.

[Nethran]

with athletic, bouncy FAT ROLLS!! Yeah, I said it.

[Tichondrius_87]

your fat or the eighteen year old girl's fat?