Texas Humor

[Pamela]

This is humor from where I grew up!...LOL I hope you like it!


CHILI COOK-OFF NOTE.
Please take your time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction to the third is even better.
For those of you who have ever lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast. " Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the
call came. I was assured , by the other two judges (Native Texans), that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could
have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event .

CHILI # 1 MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE : A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO : Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK : Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried
paint off a driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE : Smokey, with just a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO : Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK : Keep this out of the reach of children, I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste other than pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE : Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO : A bean less chile, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK : Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I"ve
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me More beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back : now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE : Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO : Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish and
other light foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK : I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds ? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. b***h is starting to look HOT,
just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac ?


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE : Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO : Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK : My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off ? It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
Rednecks !

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE : Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO : The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK : My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat thru the
chair.No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my :censored: with a snow cone.

CHILE # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE : A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO : Ho HUM, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried about judge
number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK : You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid,unnoticed, out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing ; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen, anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE : A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO : This final entry, is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot
chili ?





LOL Very true!