cyber pirate, lol its funny

[Arbitzz]

lol im about the closest thing to a class clown in my class but i dont come close to that stuff......i wouldnt ever think of that stuff lol...i wish he was in my class...i could use a laugh every once in awhile

[shadowess_enki]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Silent_killers]

I like that one.

[Venom]

id soo hate to be the guests right now aor would they be dead in 5 minutes just from the fumes

[shadowess_enki]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b**** out of the window."

lol wouldnt that be nasty!

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had s*x. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

[Arbitzz]

lol yea i would hate to be them too

[shadowess_enki]

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=580 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top width=520><!-- SF BEGIN --><SCRIPT> var listings = new Array (); var seRef = escape(document.referrer); var numRes = 1; var partnerId = 11418; var rndStr = Math.random()*100000; var keyword = ""; if ( window.location.pathname.indexOf("joke8717.htm") != -1 ) { keyword = "jokes"; //this keyword is for demonstration purpose } document.write("<scr\" + \"ipt src="ht" + "tp://www.sea" + "rchfe" + "ed.com/rd/fe" + "ed/JavaScript" + "FeedSE.jsp?rnd=" + rndStr + "&cat=" + keyword + "&pID=" + partnerId + "&nl=" + numRes + "&ref=" + seRef + "">" + "</scr" + "ipt>"); </SCRIPT><SCRIPT src="http://www.searchfeed.com/rd/feed/JavaScriptFeedSE.jsp?rnd=12616.510617328174&cat=&pID=11418&nl=1&ref=http%3A//www.jokes2000.com/jokes/byrating/two-three/"></SCRIPT><SCRIPT> if (listings && listings.length > 0) { var sKeyword = SearchEngineKeyword.split(" "); document.write('<TABLE BGCOLOR=#888888 WIDTH=100% BORDER=0 CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=1><TR VALIGN=TOP><TD><TABLE BGCOLOR=white BORDER=0 CELLPADDING=0 CELLSPACING=3 WIDTH=100%><TR VALIGN=TOP><TD>'); for (i = 0; i < listings.length; i++) { var description = listings.description; for (j = 0; j < sKeyword.length; j++) { if (sKeyword[j].length >= 3) { var _kExp = new RegExp(sKeyword[j], "gi"); description = description.replace(_kExp, "" + sKeyword[j] + ""); } } document.write('.uri + ]' + listings[i].title + '
' + description + '
'); } document.write('</TD></TR></TABLE></TD></TR></TABLE>'); } </SCRIPT><!-- SF END -->A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

[i]Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."








i g2g ill post more tomarrrow hope u liked

[Arbitzz]

hahaha thats a reallly really good 1...............if she was hot i would wish i was the young man

[LostTrance]

The first one is old but I still laugh when I read it. LoL:laugh:

[Escaron]

hahahaha good jokes. I only have one class clown kid in most of my classes. He doesnt act out in front of everyone but he always talks about the funniest stories and refers to everything in a funny way. We were sitting in this van for gym class going to the volleyball place when the kid in the back shouts out that he is gonna kill anyone that just farted cause it reaked like shit and then he turned to a chinese kid patted him on the back and said "mike, smells like ur kind" but he was intending it to sound like his farts smell like his kind of fart not his race so the chinese kid snapped. Funny to watch

[DeStRuCtIoN]

lol all this is funny crap

[XAcid_TranceX]

LOL thats some funny shit hope ya get more off him soon

[Arbitzz]

LOL thats some funny shit hope ya get more off him soon

got that right i need some more laughs like that in my day

[shadowess_enki]

more coming soon, i told my friend about all these replies n he says "im glad they enjoy my jokes, ill e mail u more soon" ill be posting

[Arbitzz]

sweet ill be waiting 4 em lol ill have to let my moms read them she'll get a kick outta them

[shadowess_enki]

lmao, ur mom ok, ill check my mail lemme go cheeckin it,...

[ilikelilkids]

lol your friends makes these up...?


DAMN HES GOOD then

[Arbitzz]

lmao, ur mom ok, ill check my mail lemme go cheeckin it,...

hell ya my moms would think that shits funny...she sends my emails at school with jokes lol on them

[shadowess_enki]

woah thats awesome, lol, yea my friend he spends all his time making jokes drawing funny pix, ect,

[Arbitzz]

sweet if i was that imagineative i would go along way...the next Dave Chapelle