Adult Jokes

[JnRossi]

I got 2 pretty funny ones..

Joke 1:


Okay their were 3 kids and their mother was baking a pie and she said if you all get A's on your tests you can all have a piece of pie so the kids go off to school and the mom accidently spilt Bee Bee's on the pie and like a good mother would do, trys to scrap the Bee Bee's off the pie so awhile later the kids come home and they all got A's on their tests and they all got a piece of pie. So the first kid comes out yelling to mom and says "Mom Mom I was peeing and I shot Bee Bee's out." The second kid comes and says the same thing. So then the 3rd kid comes and says "Mom Mom" The mom says "Lemme guess you were peeing and shot out Bee Bee's" The 3rd kid says "No no I was masturbating and shot the Dog!!"


Joke 2:


This women put an add in the newspaper looking for a man with a giant wang and wouldn't beat her and wouldn't run out on her. So this man comes to her home in a wheel char, rings her doorbell and the ladie answers the door, the man says he is here for the ad in the paper. She says how do you fill the requirements he says, well I have no arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run out on you. The women says what about the...other thing? The man in the wheelchar says..how do you think I rang the doorbell? :-D

[nujabes]

wats a Bee Bees

[Crimson D3m0n]

Little metal balls

[Hamel]

Haha thats so dumb, a bee bee is for a bee bee gun. There metal balls that can break the skin. They hurt pretty dam bad..But what would the mother be doing with bee bees near a cake?! Thats so dumb! -_-

[SDSnyper]

Hello Everyone, I am bored and want to hear some funny jokes..post them all here, please no your mama jokes. I'll start -



This man named John was going on a buisness trip 4 hours away by plane away from his home for 7 days. John didn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he went to a Porno shop looking for something for his wife. He told the man that owned the place that he wanted the very best thing he had..the man showed him a bunch of things and John thought none of it was good enough for his wife. So John told the man that he would have to go to another store, but the man told him to please wait, he has something he will like. The man brought out a shoe box..John looked at the man very oddly and said, so whats in it..The man who owned the store opened the box and said watch..voodoo **** door. The voodoo **** started humping the shi* out of the door. Then he said voodoo **** box, the voodoo **** went in to box. John was impressed and he said that he would take it. John gave the voodoo **** to his wife and went on his trip. A little bit later his wife got in "the mood" and pulled out the voodoo **** and she said voodoo **** *****..awhile later she was done, but didn't know how to get it to stop. So it didn't stop and she started to bleed. So she jumped in her car and started hauling as* to the hospitial and a cop pulled her over, he said ma'am whats wrong ur extremly speeding. She said this voodoo **** won't stop fuc*ing me. The cop said...Voodoo **** my ***!

thats gay

[Zarko the Mad]

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the gates, Saint Peter stops them and says:

"Alright, it looks like I have everything on you three except for how you died. So, one at a time, could you please explain to me how it happened?"

So the first guy says:

"Well, I had suspected my wife was cheating on me for some time now, so today I came home from work early and found her in the bed, naked, with her clothes and the clothes of another man hanging all over the room. So I searched the entire house, but couldn't find anyone else. Finally, I went onto the balcony, and there he was hanging off of the balcony. So I went back inside, grabbed a shovel, came back and beat his hands until he fell off. But as I looked down, I realized he wasn't dead, so I went back insane, lifted the refrigerator, went back out, and managed to toss it over. But the weight of the refrigerator was so great that I had a heart attack and died."

The second guy says:

"Everyday I go out onto my balcony to do my arobics. Today, I accidentally fell off, but I was able to grab ahold of the balcony below me. I was hanging there for about ten minutes, trying to lift myself up, when some crazy man ran out, beat my hands with a shovel until I fell, and then threw a refrigerator on me!"

The third guy says:

"Get this, I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."


Some people don't get it at first. Read it a few more times, hopefully it'll come to you.

[liquidshaggy]

nice herd the ******** joke before but the holy water one is new

[Stifle_this]

the refridgerator one is GREAT lol, oh man

[GaMbLeZ]

ROFL that harry potter one was hilarious LMAO :laugh:
the refrigerator one wasnt as funny as the harry potter one but still funny

[ken2520]

ahahah the man in the fridge was the guy who wa screwing his wife LOL

[Fuggle]

ahahah the man in the fridge was the guy who wa screwing his wife LOL

Good one Captain Obvious.
Ive heard the Fridge one, I think it was posted somewhere else on these forums, the holy water one as well.

[DeStRuCtIoN]

my friend told me this joke

A man owns a gunshop and one day another man comes into it to buy a gun. The shopowner shows him a sniper rifle and tells him to look to the right a bit, at his house. He tells the man that that is his house. As the man looks in he sees a naked lady and a naked man and tells the man, he gets very angry because the lady is his wife and says :" if you can shoot his wife's head and the man's ***** with two bullets then you can have the gun for free." The man replies :" I think i can do it in one."

[nujabes]

haha nice joke destruction

[Tichondrius_87]

seriously, why'd you double post the harry potter thing? and... that catholic school girl one was funny. dirty, but funny. umm.... oh yeah, i whole heartedly agree here:

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

also, that sniper one goes better like this (I think):

Two guys are out golfing on a course when one of the guys notices the other one has the butt of a rifle sticking out of his golf bag. The other one notices his stare, and says, "Don't worry about the rifle, it's part of my work. I'm a hitman."

The first guy says, "Oh really? Are you any good?"

"The best," the other guy replies.

"O.K., let's see a demonstration."

The other guy thinks for a second and says, "You live around here right?"

The first guy, a little nervous now, says, "Yeah, about a mile over that way."

Following where the first guy points, the hitman pulls out his rifle and looks into that neighborhood. "You live in a white house with a green roof and green trim?"

"Yeah."

"Your wife drives a blue Honda?"

"Yeah."

"So is that your brown Ford?"

Frowning, the first guy says, "No, that's my brother's truck what the hell is he doing at my house?"

Hitman: "Your wife wouldn't happen to have brown hair would she?"

First guy: "Yeah."

Hitman: "Looks like your brother's gettin himself a little nookie."

First guy: "That son of a *****!" (After fuming for a bit) "I want you to shoot them"

Hitman: "O.K., but like I said, I'm the best, so it's five grand a bullet."

First guy: "That's fine, but you have to shoot him through the balls and her through the head."

Hitman: "Sounds good."

(after fiddling with the scope for a bit)

"Y'know, this might be your lucky day. I think I can save you five grand."

[liquidshaggy]

nicew joke

[Airhead]

That is hella funny...Ill try to get some funny ones from Ebaumsworld.com when i get home.

[ghosts2003]

[size=2] A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."


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I actually did this one...

[/size][size=2] A woman goes to the grocery store and carefully selects a pound of bacon, a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a carton of eggs, then gets in line at the checkout counter.

As she takes the items from her cart and loads them on the conveyor, she notices the man behind her is watching her.

As she puts the last item on the belt, the man says to her " I bet you're single"

She says "That's amazing, I am single, how did you know that?"

He replies "Because you are ****ing ugly" <!-- AND ENDS HERE -->
[/size]
[size=2]
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lol this is a better version of a joke previously posted... ( this is off memory so don't flame me about bad wording )

[/size] There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the guy and say, "Sure."

So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.

The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replies, "Sure."

So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the *****, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?

The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!"

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<!-- JOKE STARTS HERE --> A man walked into a bar for a drink, as he finished his drink, he noticed a man playing the piano that was only one foot tall. Curious, the man walked over to the piano player and asked him, "how come your so short?" "Well," the piano player started, "I was walking through the desert one day when I came upon this genie..."Say no more." the man said and he rushed out the door and into the desert.

After hours of walking, the man finally found the genie. "Genie," he said, "I wish for a million bucks" "Young man, your wish is my comand" the genie replied and then disapeared. Five minutes later a million DUCKS flew over. The man got pissed and stormed back to the bar.

When he got back, he immediately went over to the piano player to complain. "God that genie is stupid, I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." "I know replied the piano player. Do you think I asked to be a twelve inch pianist?"


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One of my favorites:

A manager is in a pickle. He was told he must lay off one person from his staff. Jack Butler and Helen Doyle are the lowest seniority people and have the least experience, but they are so equal in performance, attendance, and potential, that he can't choose. So he decides to watch them both, and the first one to take a break will be the one to be layed off.

After three hours, Helen gets up, goes to the water cooler, takes an aspirin out of her purse and swallows it with water. The boss walks over to her and says, "I have a very difficult decision to make - I have to lay you or Jack off". She replies, "Well, you'd better Jack off then, because I have a headache."


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Wow, the polish could be on to something!

Subject: government study

<!-- JOKE STARTS HERE --> In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's ***** was larger than the shaft. After one year and 180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published this study, France decided to do their own study. After spending 250,000.00F and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, dissatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


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Subject: Periodic table. New findings in the chemical world

<!-- JOKE STARTS HERE --> Element: WOMEN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180+/-100
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time.
Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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I do not resent this one, but I both rue, and lament it.


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

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I'll post more later if people think these are funny, I think im taking up to much room anyway.
<!-- AND ENDS HERE -->

[DaCougarMech]

lol rofl
loved the last one. cant remember the ones before but you got some good ones

one day a man walks into a bar. he walks up to the counter and orders a drink. while the bartender is pouring his drink, the man sees a horse in the corner. mystified that anybody would put a horse in such a small bar, the man inquires the bartender as to why there was a horse in his bar. to this the bartender replied that it was a contest. the sign-up fee was $5 and the point of the contest was to be able to make the horse laugh. anybody who made the horse laugh won the pot of money. hearing this, the man walks up to the horse and whispers in its ear. after the man finishes whispering, the horse burst out laughing. the surprised bartender awards the man his money and he finishes his drink and leaves. the next day, the man comes back for another drink. on his way in, he sees the same horse outside the bar. he again asks the bartender why there was a horse outside. the bartender replies that whoever made the horse cry won the pot of money. the man then immediately goes outside. within moments, the man walks back in and the bartender hears the horse crying outside. as he hands the man his money, he asks incredulously "how did you make the horse laugh and cry?" to this the man replied "well, the first time i told him my pen!s was bigger than his to make him laugh. the second time, to make him cry i showed it to him"

[Silver Ice]

alright i got a joke its not really that adult but its a bit funny

a woman walks into a pharmacy and goes over to the pharmacist and asks if he has any poison for sale. the pharmacist asks why she would need poison and she says "well i want to kill my husband". the pharmacist gapes at her and says "What! u cant kil your husband, you will go to jail for murder and ill go to jail too, i cant sell you any poison" so the woman opens up her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife. the pharmacist looks at the photo and says "oh, im sorry, i didn't realize you had a perscription".

[nujabes]

haha nice joke silver. i got one too. i cant remember it well but ill try

there was once a minister with 3 children, all girls. he was very protective of them. coincidently they were all goin on a date at the same night. so, he decided to have his shotgun ready when their boyfriends came to pick them up, to show em whos boss. the first date comes and says

"hi im joe. im here to pick up flo. were gonna see the show. is she ready to go?". and so he went to get his daughter.

the 2nd boy said "hi im eddie. im here to pic up (i forgot the name lol). were gonna get spaghetti. is she ready?" and so he went to get his daughter

and then the 3rd boy came and said, "hi im chuck.."and he shot him.


meh its kinda funny i guess